I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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