I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He passed out mid-signature
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
