if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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