you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
