Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
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My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
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