two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
