This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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