My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
