any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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