you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
