Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
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