Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
