I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
Randomize
