why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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