you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Randomize
