Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
