there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Well I just put wine in my tea
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
