Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
