No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
a victory without nudity is not really a victory