I met the friendliest cop last night
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
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you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
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Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.