mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just blew my weed a kiss
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
