I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
