Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
