She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
