My first STD was from a foam party
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
