my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
