Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
