God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
You are the jesus of drinking
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
