I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
