$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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