oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Who put my cat in the fridge?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
