I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize