stop calling my apartment porn island.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
