The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
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A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
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Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
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