fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
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but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
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She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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