Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
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