Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
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