i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
My ass is underappreciated
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Randomize
