tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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