So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
