Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
