remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
