I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
