fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
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I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
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I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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