I cannot find my penis.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
