Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
