got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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