Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
