When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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