My underwear smells like fireworks.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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