There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
