Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
