You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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