She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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