Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
