Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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