How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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