nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Floor bacon is actually really good
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
