Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Randomize
